8/3/2023 0 Comments Iflicks asking permission![]() I’m sorry to have to do this, but I am a store detective and I believe you placed some of our products in your stroller.” For example, in confronting a shoplifter you might say, “Ma’am, I need to speak with you right now. Another is to express regret for your need to put this person in a highly uncomfortable situation. ![]() One way is to explain your need to confront now before launching in to the confrontation. Even in this circumstance there are ways to create a modicum of safety. Let’s say you have a crucial conversation that must be held here and now-for moral, ethical, or legal reasons. As a result, he or she may feel less of a need to defend him- or herself, and will be more likely to be open to your comments. Is now a good time or should we talk later this evening?” Surrendering a little bit of control over the conversation to the other person can be a signal that you respect his or her needs. You might say, “Honey, I’ve got some concerns I’d like to discuss with you. You intend to have a conversation, but want to show respect in approaching the child. Let’s say, for example, you are deeply concerned about the behavior of your child. So the question is, how can you create safety when the conversation is not optional?įirst, you can show respect by showing flexibility in when or where you hold the crucial conversation. Pretending to give the other person a choice is dishonest and, therefore, violates the basic premise of healthy dialogue. In cases like this, should you ask permission to create safety? Of course not. You’re the boss, and you must talk to the suspected employee. It isn’t “constructive criticism” you want to discuss. When the boss takes the time to explain why he or she would like to give the feedback and why the feedback will support a mutual purpose, the employee can then choose to listen and will be much more likely to reflect on what is said. For example, when a boss starts to offer “constructive criticism” to a direct report without consent, it can roll off his or her back and may have little effect. When we attempt force them into a conversation, they often resist our attempts even though the content of the conversation we want to have may be in their best interest. People naturally place a high value on their autonomy. The skill may not always be applicable-but the principle should always be honored.Īsking permission builds safety by showing respect. So is it wise to ask permission when you know you must talk? Is it disingenuous to ask when “no” isn’t an option? Is it better in these situations to simply state up front that you need to talk? Certainly teenagers often respond this way when asked to talk. I could imagine that some people would simply say “no” to this request, wanting to avoid confrontation or possible discipline. I note that one of the principles you advocate in starting crucial conversations is to ask permission to discuss the issue. ![]() Joseph Grenny is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer. ![]()
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